My Brother Has a Breast Infection
I call my brother Lumpy.
The nickname hasn't been with him long, but, well...it's growing on him. Actually, up to yesterday it was growing pretty rapidly. Thankfully, he got pills just in time. Had he not, I might have had to take him to the Semi Annual Sale at Victoria's Secret. But, I get ahead of myself.
Early this week, as I was enjoying my nightly date with Alex Trebek, my brother came up behind me and said, in a husky voice,
"Hey...feel my nipple..."
What are, words you do not want to hear coming out of a relative's mouth? I'll take Osmond-esque Situations for 1000, Alex.
After a second of shock, I turned around and realized what my brother was talking about. In the most medical of terms, his areola seemed droopy and discolored and there was a large, dense mass developing above it. Basically, his boob looked funny.
Giggling, poking and prodding aside, I concurred with him on the most logical answer: breast cancer.
Oh, stop your snickering...the great American icon Kenny Rogers suffered from mammary abnormalities as well.
Mom, in all her wisdom, wanted a second opinion, so she called the family doctor. Prescription: an appointment the next day.
The next day work seemed to pass like cheese through a constipated digestive tract...I couldn't wait to find out the diagnosis! Finally, after an hour long car ride home, it was time to find out the news.
Mastitis.
Oh my gosh, that sounds serious! Oh no, my brother is going to die! Don't worry, I'll make some silicone bracelets with messages on them for you...what do you want them to say?
Settle down...it just means he has a breast infection. You know, I don't know what he's complaining about...I had one of those right after I had your brother. Try having a kid sucking and biting at your infection and then come talk to me.
Wow mom, thanks...I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
But, hooray! My brother is going to live! His nipples are on their way back to normal and soon he will be Lumpy no more.
Wonder what happened to Kenny Rogers?
The nickname hasn't been with him long, but, well...it's growing on him. Actually, up to yesterday it was growing pretty rapidly. Thankfully, he got pills just in time. Had he not, I might have had to take him to the Semi Annual Sale at Victoria's Secret. But, I get ahead of myself.
Early this week, as I was enjoying my nightly date with Alex Trebek, my brother came up behind me and said, in a husky voice,
"Hey...feel my nipple..."
What are, words you do not want to hear coming out of a relative's mouth? I'll take Osmond-esque Situations for 1000, Alex.
After a second of shock, I turned around and realized what my brother was talking about. In the most medical of terms, his areola seemed droopy and discolored and there was a large, dense mass developing above it. Basically, his boob looked funny.
Giggling, poking and prodding aside, I concurred with him on the most logical answer: breast cancer.
Oh, stop your snickering...the great American icon Kenny Rogers suffered from mammary abnormalities as well.
Mom, in all her wisdom, wanted a second opinion, so she called the family doctor. Prescription: an appointment the next day.
The next day work seemed to pass like cheese through a constipated digestive tract...I couldn't wait to find out the diagnosis! Finally, after an hour long car ride home, it was time to find out the news.
Mastitis.
Oh my gosh, that sounds serious! Oh no, my brother is going to die! Don't worry, I'll make some silicone bracelets with messages on them for you...what do you want them to say?
Settle down...it just means he has a breast infection. You know, I don't know what he's complaining about...I had one of those right after I had your brother. Try having a kid sucking and biting at your infection and then come talk to me.
Wow mom, thanks...I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
But, hooray! My brother is going to live! His nipples are on their way back to normal and soon he will be Lumpy no more.
Wonder what happened to Kenny Rogers?
posted by *Flynn* at
23:28
3 Comments:
quite an adventure. catch you on the flipside, Dawn
By
Anonymous, at 30 June, 2005 11:24
BRILLIANT! You are destined to one day write for SNL!
By
Anonymous, at 30 June, 2005 19:10
Finally! Something decent to read on the internet. Now, lets just keep 'em comin'!
By
Anonymous, at 30 June, 2005 22:03
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